Thursday, January 13

I did it all for the Snooki

While beer, running, and food are all fine and dandy things to write about, sometimes a girl just needs a good, old fashioned rant.

You know the sort...a little verbal diarrhea to take a load off your shoulders and clear the mind.

Today, my bone of contention lies with the absolute c.r.a.p. being peddled by reality TV stars out there. Now, I've always been a long time supporter of the instant rise to fame. I grew up with those crazy Real World and Road Rules kids...the days when Puck's shenanigans earned him the title as first house member to ever be kicked out. and remember Ruthie, her alcoholism, and the producers sending her to rehab? Truly riveting television. Lest we not forget about the entire Seattle season...

Irene and her crazy lime disease, Stephen slappin' a ho, David hooking up with a casting director...and Nate. Sexy, sexy, scruffy 1998 Seattle grunge-esque Nate.

mmmmm....where was I?

Oh, right. Ranting.

So those were the good ole' days. Ahhh the '90s. These days, things have gone completely out. of. control. and someone has to stand up and say something to put an end to all this madness.

Now, I may live in London so forgive me if I misread this but Gary from Teen Mom is getting his own clothing line?! Gary?! GARY!? As in this guy?

What the mother-lovin french toast is going on here? It's bad enough his abusive baby mama gets paid $280,000 a season for them to both act like idiots on national television, but someone actually took a good, long hard look at this man and said:
Hey, you know what? You deserve a clothing line. Why? I'm not sure. You're lazy and only shop exclusively at Wal-mart but why don't I just go ahead and give you more money and fame anyway.

Ughhhh. That's cool, Gary. Just remember what my homegirl Countess Luann from Real Housewives of New York says...

Speaking of class classless, we need to have a serious chat about book deals people. Remember back in the day (it was a Wednesday in case you're curious), when books were something to be cherished? When getting a book option was a big. f-ing. deal. and you'd hold that author up to a certain level of esteem because they had achieved something pretty awesome?

Well, fast forward back to reality and gone is that dream. Not one, not two, but THREE of the Jersey Shore cast members have books out.

Gee, thanks J-Woww. I'm so glad I can finally learn how to "stay fresh to death". By the way, did anyone ever tell you WOW only has 1 W in it? Dummy.

Awesome. There is actually a book out there that says, on the cover, how to "creep on chicks". Well aren't we the lucky ones? At least The Situation's publishers are a little more honest than J-Woww's people and included the actual author's name. (You don't really think Mike wrote that entire book by himself do you?)

and then there is Snooki. Snooks. Snickers. My favorite little guidette. I've always had an affection for that short little orange girl. The way she bumps her hair and rocks her slippers and can't figure out a duck phone, it's engaging and endearing all at the same time. But homegirl, puhlease. Stop. You're killing me with this business.

While she doesn't have any cheesy taglines like her companion authors (*cough cough* choking on my own word vomit at using the term "authors"),there is something even better about Snooki's cover. Below the hot pink title, above the overly teased and sprayed hair, are the two tiny white words proclaiming: A Novel.

The Shore Thing: A Novel. I typically associate that word with a book that has a rather substantial quality to it. In fact, the technical definition of a novel is as follows:
A fictional prose narrative of considerable length, typically having a plot that is unfolded by the actions, speech, and thoughts of the characters

Well right away I see problems here...Thoughts of the characters? (*crickets chirping*) ummm....

Now I did happen to find this little number floating around the internet, so perhaps there is some glimmer of hope for humanity.

but it's doubtful. People just love to buy crap. They say books are a dying breed. At this point, I say just Kevorkian all of them and put us out of our misery (the books, I mean. Not the people who wrote them. That's going a little too far). I didn't quit my job as a teacher to go into Publishing so I could mass produce the words of wisdom from a group of people who spend their days infesting a hot tub with STDs. What about all the real designers, actors, and authors out there who aren't recognized for their talents? Can someone please tell me, when did it become okay to celebrate mediocrity?

On that note, I'd like to end today's rant with a picture, taken by me while studying in the library at school today.

This is a man. wearing Osh Kosh B'Gosh acid wash overalls. and a mustache. in 2011.

Seriously folk, what is happening to our world!?
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