Tuesday, November 30

Let's all take a trip to "Ex"ile Island

I had an epiphany while hanging out with my #1 homegirl, Judge Judy, yesterday. As she served up yet another dish of woop ass to someone in court, I fantasized about how fantastic it would be if Judge Judy could weigh in on all the conundrums in my life.

Sure, she's a little mean, but it's all about the tough love, right?

Judge Judy, is it okay that I'm wearing leggings?

Marie, don't be an idiot. You know the truth. It's never okay to wear leggings as pants, and you've been really pushing the limits lately. I'm warning you!!!! DON'T GET THAT CAMEL TOE NEAR MY COURT ROOM LADY!

I know JJ, I know.

ummmm, Judge Judy, what happens if I chug tequila without a chaser?

WHAAAAAAAAAT?! You're the one who drank all my tequila?!

oh yeah. that's right. my bad yo.

But Judge Judy, what about bangs? Can I please give myself bangs again?

Girrrrllllll, don't make me smack you. Do you remember what happened last time you cut bangs yourself? You almost lost an entire eyebrow and hated them within 5 minutes.

See? Judge Judy is SO wise. That's why I need her on my side for my latest endeavor: "Ex"ile Island.

It's going to be like Temptation Island, but instead of MTV producers liquoring up 20 impossibly beautiful people at a luxury resort, it'll be Judge Judy banishing all of our crazy, annoying, you really wish you'd never dated them exes to an island where they can never leave. It'll be an Alcatraz.

an Alcatraz for assholes.

On this island, the punishment always fits the crime.

Was your ex a philandering bad boy? Well then, let me introduce you to his permanent island partner. In fact, his ONLY island partner. Ms. Susan Boyle.

Who wouldn't love to see HER in a bikini?

Maybe he was emotionally retarded. He was never sympathetic and often made you cry. His punishment? A lifetime of consoling an emotionally unstable Heidi Montag

I think it has a lot of potential. Just imagine a world where you'd never have to worry about an awkward run in or late night drunk dial. You could sleep peacefully every night knowing your ex was cuddled up next to Susan Boyle's 5 o'clock shadow.

and who knows, if this whole thing really works out, I could expand into a full blown real estate company. I'll have islands sprinkled all over the South Pacific for all the psycho roommates, deranged coworkers, and nosy neighbors out there in the world.

I'm currently accepting applications for deportation. Let me know what type of accommodations you'd prefer for your guest of choice. Remember, 'tis the season to be merry, so think of this as the Christmas gift that keeps on giving.


VL said...

My sixth period.

Genesis said...

my only requirement is that there be never ending flow of rum and coke...please.

VL said...

Also, I looked at this post three times and THEN Rach had to tell me she was in the picture. Weird. Your bangs were distracting.

Rachel said...

I barely recognized myself either. Who cut those girls' hair?

Linda said...

It must be in the blood.. I watch Judge Judy and Nana use to watch it too!

Elizabeth said...

I'd like to send an ex to that island of yours. I'll even spring for first class. I broke up with him on his bday (yes it was mean, but it was high school so why is he still bitter) and he's a gator.

Kat said...

Judge Judy is the truth-telling BFF that we all need.

I love this idea.

Anonymous said...

Genius TV show idea...

and yes I've been dranking more than my share of tequila lately and abusing the leggings as pants!!!

Clearly I needed Judge Judy to tell me what's what!

Anonymous said...

best photos of 2010?

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