Tuesday, November 16

Jessica, are you listening?

Hey! Hey you! Girl formerly known as "the" Jessica Simpson.....

Yeah I'm talking to you. Homegirl, we need to have a little chat. Step into my office won't you?

This is your intervention. You need some serious help.

Now, I know it is clear that love is in the air. Nick proposes to Vanessa, Chuck and Blair finally tell each other how they feel, there are still foxes raping each other outside my window every night...

but that doesn't mean you need to jump on the bandwagon just because everyone else is doing it. You're Jessica freaking Simpson. Daisy Dukes herself. You don't need them.

So I have to ask: WHY?! Why would you think it is a good idea to announce your engagement a week after your ex husband does? This doesn't make you look good. Nick and Vanessa have been together four years. You've been with whatshisface for only six months. I realize these things can be difficult for you to figure out, chicken of the sea and whatnot, but the timing of it all is terrible. Girlfriend, you look D-E-S-P-E-R-A-T-E with a captial D.

Who is this guy? Did Pappa Joe approve? I had to google him to remember his significance. The saddest part? When I googled you and lover boy, this was the first image that came up. What does that say about your relationship? Remember, Google is God, so if they deem that as the symbolic image of your future life together...wellllll....let's just say that's not a good sign.

Now, I'm not saying you necessarily need to be with another celebrity. Heck, we all remember the John Mayer disaster of 2007.

Did you really think dying your hair brown would keep this narcissistic deviant by your side? Ohhhhh Jessica, when will you learn? The man wrote the song "Your Body is a Wonderland". He will still have girls offering sex to him when he's 90. Even when his hands are old and wrinkly and the arthritis is too bad to "never let your head hit the bed without my hand behind it". Guuuurl, you didn't stand a chance.

But you need to be with someone who loves you for who you are.

Someone who appreciates all the little nuances of your personality that make you unique.

Someone who will be there in good times and in bad.

Someone who would never buy you this shiteous ring. (Jessica, in case you're confused, shiteous = hideously shitty. as in bad. very very bad)

Where did he get this from? Did he and Gary get a two for one deal on the ring at Wal-Mart?

I though I read it's a Neil Lane ring...but I'm thinking more than likely he found a Neil Lane ring box in the trash somewhere and put your ring in there. Or maybe Harry Winston and Cartier got together and schemed up this whole thing as a plan to ruin poor Neil Lane's reputation. Either way both you AND Neil Lane are screwed.

Don't get me wrong, I am all for love conquering over everything, you can't put a price on love, and all that yada yada yada...but a girl doesn't grow up dreaming of someday having a ring like that on their finger. unless her name is Jennifer Lopez.

Remember the ring Nick gave you?


See what I'm talking about? Big diamond ring pretty, tacky gold ruby ring ugly. Repeat this to yourself 10 times. Big diamonds: goooood, gold ruby: baaaaad.

I'm sorry if I'm being a little harsh on you, but it's only because I care. It's tough love time and I hope you understand. I want you to learn from the people around you so these mistakes will not be repeated again in the future. For instance, my other BFF Kate Middleton announced her engagement to Prince William today and I couldn't be happier for them! They've been together six years AND the dude is royalty. Now, this is how you do an engagement.

Look, I'm sorry Jessica, I wish I could stay longer and give you more advice, but I'm expecting a call from Kate any minute now asking me to be her Maid of Honor.

and don't worry, of course I'll say yes. I mean, it'd be rude not to right?

Plus I heard the Queen can really hold her liquor. Wonder if she'll do tequila shots with me during the Bachelorette party?


Rachel said...

I pretty much cried when Chuck and Blair told each other I love you. The end.

Sandy said...

Is this shit real?? I freakin loved every syllable. Will be reading your blog from now on! Hahhahaaa!

VL said...

In a totally unrelated note, Kate makes me want to have really long hair. HOW is she so pretty?

Genesis said...

awesome! never fail to give me a good laugh.

Elizabeth said...

You stole the words right out of my mouth! Minus the fact that you are way funnier than I am! This post is so freaking true my heart hurts for Jessica. The ring alone makes me want to weep for her.

Kori said...

YES. I feel the same way. THE VERY SAME.

Kat said...

J. Simpson is just a hot mess. I didn't even know she was dating anyone until I heard that she was engaged?

And oh, God...Kate. I just about died today. Her engagement tops the list of things I've been waiting forever for. What happy news for both of them!

Anonymous said...

I'm in love with Jessica Simpson. Thank you for caring so much about my future-wife and conducting this intervention. I promise to only propose with the biggest most ethical diamond there is and to wait at least 5 years before popping the big question.

Jackie said...

Funniest. Post. Ever.

Jess said...

Love this. Love every post I've read so far actually. I might not live in California (Blog Monster Ref....) but you have a new Sunshine State gal reader!

Marie said...

thanks Jess! As a former Sunshine State gal myself (Go Seminoles!), I appreciate it! :)

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