Sunday, September 19

The beginning of goodbyes

I once asked a friend what would stop them from doing the same thing I am (quitting my job and moving to a new country I've never been to)...and the answer was so honest and raw, it struck a chord with me. The reason? Fear. This resonated so deeply with me because it is how I've felt this entire process. Usually the comments from people who hear our plans are "That's so awesome" or "I'm so jealous" and I blush and profess that, trust us, it's a lot crazier than they think. That it's nothing to boast about. and I'm not sure why I do that. Why can't I just look them in the eye, nod my head confidently and say, "Thank you"? Now, as the calendar days are counting down and the one marked with a big red circle is fastly approaching, I find myself incredibly overwhelmed with a flurry of emotions. I am nervous, excited, anxious, and happy all at the same time.

Most of all, I am scared.

Beneath all of my decisions about London, fear has been the current, guiding me with its ebbs and flows. Sometimes it's so great it overtakes me and paralyzes me (usually around 2 am when the noise of daily life quiets down and my own thoughts are screaming). Other times, it's more subtle and casual, gentling greeting me like an old friend. Fear motivates and moves us, sometimes without us even realizing it. I was afraid I'd be stuck in a job I didn't like just because I happened to be good at it. I feared I'd look back on my life and realize I did too much sitting on the sidelines and not enough jumping into the game. I feared that by always taking the safe road, I wasn't on a journey towards becoming the best version of myself, that I was missing out on who I could be. Fear. It is a strange and mysterious thing.

but I am so thankful for it.

In 4 days, I will be making the 8 hour flight from Boston, MA to London, UK and it's going to be a dousy. As I cross over the Atlantic Ocean, I will be quietly ending one chapter of my life and begin writing the next. I know there will be tears and frustrations. I am sure I will get lost at least a million times in my new city and I'll never learn to like bangers and mash...but it will be an adventure. It is going to shape me and mold me in ways I never thought possible. I am going to meet new people who each have a tale to tell and a lesson to teach me, I will have the opportunity to visit some of the most beautiful places this Earth has to offer, I will soak in new cultures and the nuances and niceties that come along with it and I get to do it all with my best friend. Now that's not so scary. Eventually, my fear will shift and change as I do, making me more confident, more resilient and more motivated than ever, so when I come home next time and someone says to me "Wow, how great you are doing that", I will politely nod and smile and think to myself "You're damn right it is".

Last night was our going away party and it was only the beginning in a string of goodbyes this week, but it marked a turning point for me. I woke up yesterday morning with a knot in my stomach, saying goodbye is always so bittersweet and I was somewhat dreading my own going away dinner. Yet, as we gathered around the dinner table with 25 of our closest friends and family, I couldn't help but be happy. The outpouring of love and support is exactly how I want our adventure to begin. Thank you so much to everyone for the cards, comments and well wishes. I'll be sure to be thinking of you when I'm having tea and crumpets with the Queen.


Annie said...

All I have are tears now!
So happy I was able to share in your goodbye dinner. You are such a great writer Marie, yes I'm jealous of you two as well, but facing your fear is wonderful, congrats to you! I'm sure its fear that keeps me here in Mass, someday I hope I can face that fear as you are! You are a very smart girl, I'm sure you will do well in the masters program, plus you will be with your best friend, so I hope once you are there, your fear is gone quickly. Have a blast, and see you in December!

Betsy said...

It IS scary, you're right! There's no shame in being scared - you're undertaking a huge adventure and with that comes really big and sometimes overwhelming challenges and changes. But just know the other people have done what you're doing and they've survived it - that always comforts me when I have those 2am moments!

sweetsandveggies said...

Hey!! I just found your blog and I love it! I saw your comment on Tina's blog saying that you were going to London so I wanted to check out your blog. I would love to go to London some day. I've been talking about it in the past few posts on my blog, hehe :) I'm actually thinking about studying abroad there this coming summer and also moving there for a year or so after college! What are you moving there for?

Marie said...

Annie- I'm so glad you came out with us! It was great! My head didn't feel so great this morning though ;)

Betsy- Thanks! I love reading your blogs and all theones you have on your blog roll, gives me that extra confidence boost!

Sweetsandveggies- Thanks for finding me!!! I love getting a new reader! :) I will have to check out yours too!

molly said...

Hey Marie! I found your blog from Tina's as well - I am an American living in London, and irony of ironies, I will be moving to Boston in about a year or two (it's complicated) - but I am here now. Whereabouts in London will you be located? Hope the move goes well - good luck!

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